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Founded  in 1970

The Escapades of the itchy Gnome

at the Royal Wedding

Written by Budokan Correspondent

Keith Molyneux


Brian was part of Princess Eugenie’s (whatever her name is) Royal Wedding detail, whose perilous mission was to secure the grounds of Windsor Castle from the hoards of screaming and adoring public, likely to pull the fencing down in ecstatic hysteria, desperate for a glimpse of the happy couple.

Unfortunately for Eugenie none of the public showed up, not one.


But there were still other hazards for the defenders of the realm to be aware of, namely it was deer rutting season.


As the morning began to drag on, the inevitable boredom was broken when one of the stags took a shine to a WPC, which kept the brave boys in blue amused whilst they waited for the illustrious guest to leave the castle, and head for the church.


Brian who hadn’t had a use for his distinctive Helmet for a while, had more pressing issues to contend with.

The base of his helmet was starting to itch.

The headband was causing an allergic reaction to his baby soft and sensitive skin…


It probably started with a prickle across the forehead, slightly annoying, but easily forgotten whilst chortling away, watching another unfortunate colleague being chased by yet another stag.

As Daniel Craig drove by in his Bentley, the excitement of the occasion was far more of a distraction than the steadily increasing, fiery red rash, slowly but surely engulfing his head.


Time passed, he could have sworn his helmet was getting tighter, and that itching was becoming very annoying, but there were still clowning coppers to laugh at, its not every day you see someone running for dear life from a snorting antlered beasty.

There were special wedding day packed lunches to munch on, and those sweets... Wow those sweets… Bags of Haribo, Brains favourite, enough to keep that warm sugary glow lasting all day long and no need to ration…


By the time James Bonds Bentley returned, our heroes head had swollen to gigantic proportions, amusement in the occasion had been replaced with a underlying panic that he will never be able to remove the offending helmet from his now glowing lobster red bonce.

As the car drew closer Brian could just make out, through the slits in his swollen and puffy eyes, the image of what looked like Prince Andrew peering at him from the back of the car, and Andrew appeared to be waving at him!

Star struck, despite his urgent predicament, emotions took over, manifesting in an enthusiastic wave whilst jumping up on the spot and shouting ‘God Save the Queen!!! God Save the Queen!!!’


From the back of the Bentley, the proud father of the bride Prince Andrew, points at something unusual at the side of the road, “Look Fergy a dancing Gnome! They really did think of everything didn’t they”